Today is a miserable day which came about from yesterday's disastrous bowling outing in Antioch. Couldn't get up in the morning coz was feeling dizzy. So, Ed and Sam had to get their own breakfast and make their own lunch. I slept till 8.30am and felt less dizzy. Took my shower and came down for breakfast. Then, started with housekeeping but along the way, felt really miserable and was still hurting inside. Couldn't stop crying, don't know why???
Wrote a couple of emails and got a reply from a friend who chided me that I am "abusing" Sam for my personal dreams and glory. That hurt even more and the tears kept flowing. I wonder why people say that? As a mom, I have never pushed Sam to do anything that she doesn't want. She was the one who wanted to go training 3x a week. She was the one who wanted to go into competitive bowling. She was the one who wanted to go for the tournament. I was merely an instrument there to help her achieve what she wants. So, how is that linked to "abusing" Sam for my personal dreams and glory? I didn't push her through all that. She wants it herself. If you don't believe me, you can email Sam at hwayern@hotmail.com and ask her yourself. Frankly, I have asked her to stop her bowling many times before. This tantrum throwing thing isn't new. This is perhaps the 3rd or 4th time it has happened. Time and again, I've asked her to stop if she keeps doing this self destructing behavior and that would have stopped all our misery. But, she wouldn't stop. So, again, how am I linked to pushing her so hard? Did I mention that I was disappointed in her not winning tournaments? If you read carefully, I mentioned I was disappointed in her ATTITUDE on the lane and her poor sportsmanship. Nothing about winning or losing? So, how is that linked to my abusing her for my personal glory and dreams? I really don't understand how people can misinterpret all these signals. Just because she didn't win, people think that I am unhappy. But you know what? Since coming to US in July 2008 till now, she HASN'T won any tournaments. We signed her up for all these tournaments is just for her to go get the experience she needs and to have fun. Not WIN. How we as parents can get so misunderstood! I have been told that I am pushing her too hard, her form will pick up, the tournament here is different from that in Malaysia. You know what? All these doesn't matter at all. In fact, I don't care a damn! All that matters to me now is that she change her mental attitude and approach to the game. Winning or losing doesn't matter to me. If she's a world champion with that kind of attitude, I don't even want to be associated with her at all.
Seemed to me that in this whole course of events, I am labeled as the "bad" person coz I am pushing her too hard, I am expecting too much etc etc when actually, you have all missed the point. Sigh.... this is so sad to be so misunderstood.
Anyway, I did a lot of housekeeping to keep my mind off the whole episode. Belinda called and talked to me for about an hour before I agreed not to scold Sam anymore and to forgive her for her behavior but what touched me most is that, she understood me very well. She wasn't finger pointing at me coz she knows Sam is the one who wants it all, not the mom! She asked me to pray and to focus on the 90% good in Sam rather than dwell on the 10% bad attitude at bowling. After all, we are human beings, we are not perfect and you know what? She's so right...
After that conversation, I thought much about what was said and adviced and indeed, life is too short to be angry. I have decided to move on. Whether Sam wants to continue in her bowling is all up to her. I will give her another chance for her to change her attitude on the lanes and this is the last chance. No more if she falls back into this mode coz frankly, I am tired of being a bowling mom!
She hasn't apologized but she did give me a kiss on my cheek this morning b4 she went to school coz she knew I couldn't get up as I was sick. That speaks volume of her remorse and let's hope tomorrow will be a better day.
No comments:
Post a Comment